Stuff My Landlord's Daughter Says: Archive

“Dad, you should shave your armpits. Have you *seen* them??”

Nov 14th

“I can’t picture a white person singing rap—especially a Chinese.”

Nov 11th

“I recently had a very exciting moment in my lifie. I kissed nico on the cheek...”

Oct 29th

“My dad forced Mitchell and I to watch a documentary about faces.”

Oct 29th

“My dad is fat, he just doesn’t know it.”

Oct 27th

“Can I borrow your book of weird creepiness?”

– Helena about my Mutter Museum book.

Sep 29th

“You know what the worst thing about Marshalls is? The security system.”

Sep 26th

EMAILING WITH HELENA

Hi Helena! I heard you just signed up for email so I thought I would send you one. How was camp? I heard you had a great time and that you made some really cool stuff. I can’t wait to see it. Email me back! Stephanie Your right I did and I’m glad to belk home your a garate friend

Jul 14th

“The more of God’s commandments you follow, the more you are rewarded with...”

Jun 22nd

“I can’t imagine how rich the person must be who invented the English...”

May 19th

2 notes

Helena on Travel

(Helena is looking through some pictures on Jon’s iPad.) Helena: WHOA. Look at this one where you’re next to a huge Lego creature! Me: That was in the airport in Italy. Helena: You guys went to Italy? Me: Yep. Helena: (without looking up from the screen) I didn’t know you guys had passports.

May 8th

May 6th

Helena on Style

Grandma: Helena, you have such beautiful hair, do some of your friends have such hair? Helena: Grandma…..NOT EVEN CLOSE!

Apr 24th

“You know what? Just because a person looks really terrible doesn’t mean that...”

Apr 19th

Helena on Fundraising

(Doorbell rings. 4 consecutive times.) Me: Hi, Helena - what’s up? Helena: Hi. I need you to give me some money for some kids. Me: What kids? Helena: I’m collecting money for kids who need heart surgery and if I make enough I get a prize. Me: Cool! I’m not sure if i have any change right now - can we sign up and then give you the money later? Helena: Well…...

Apr 15th

“If that music were a string, I would be all wrapped up in a string right now.”

– after listening to the song, “oh Yoko!” by John Lennon

Mar 22nd

Mar 8th

Helena on Fashion

Me: What’s your favorite thing to wear? Helena: Dresses… But you know what my REALLY REALLY favorite thing to wear is? Me: What’s that? Helena: My mouth.

Feb 24th

Helena on Landlordship

Helena: There’s one reason I can’t wait for you to move, and one reason I don;t want you to move. Me: What’s the reason you want us to move? Helena: Because I’ll get my own room. Me: Yeah, having your own room is really cool. So why don’t you want us to move? Helena: Because you guys are like the best tenants ever.

Feb 23rd

Helena on Memory II

Helena: I know that next year is your second anniversary. Me: Wow, you have a great memory! Do you have a notebook where you take notes about us? Helena: No, I have a brain.

Feb 22nd

Helena on the Superbowl

Helena: I hate the Superbowl. Jon: What?? But it’s so cool! It determines who the best football team of the whole year is! Helena: Football is just boring and pointless. Me: I’m with Helena, but I DO like Superbowl parties because we eat all kinds of awesome food like pizza and buffalo wings and mozzarella sticks… Helena: … I wish WE would have a Superbowl party.

Feb 21st

Helena on Beverages

Helena: Do you have anything to drink around here? Jon: Why do you like to drink all of our stuff? Do we have better drinks than you? Helena: Yeah, we just have water and milk. Sometimes we have orange juice… Oh, and we always have wine.

Feb 20th

Helena on Choosing your friends

Mom: I once saw a movie where a boy found out his best friend was a vampire but they stayed best friends anyway. Helena: Well yeah, you can’t not be friends with somebody just because they’re a monster.

Feb 12th

Helena on Magazine Content

(Helena knocks on the door to give us Bride Magazine* that was accidentally put into their mailbox instead of ours.) Helena: Hi, we got this by mistake. Jon: Hey thanks! Helena: Just so you know, there is a ton of REALLY weird stuff in it. *We have no idea why we are getting Bride Magazine… in Jon’s name.

Feb 2nd

“Next time, I think Judy should get married to someone who loves her.”

Jan 25th

Helena on Memory

Helena: Rebecca forgot the name of the store her dad used to work in. Dad: Perhaps she was having a senior moment. Helena: Well, in the two and something years that I’ve known Wesley, I have never forgotten his name.

Jan 24th

“I can’t wait to babysit for Jon and Stephanie’s children… And...”

Jan 22nd

Helena on Employment Options

Helena: Where does Vivian’s dad work? Roberta: In a company called Ironwood. Helena: That’s cool! Neither you or dad works for a company. But you know what would be even better, is if you worked for a factory. Something besides cheese or ice-cream. It would be really cool if you worked for a toilet paper factory.

Jan 18th

“But the thing is, how am I going to find out if she’d dead or not?”

– Regarding the Haitian girl she’s sponsoring for a dollar a week.

Jan 17th

Helena on Why We Celebrate Martin Luther King Day

Me: So, why do you get a day off for Martin Luther King Day? Helena: Because it’s his birthday. Well, his birthday is actually today, but we celebrate it on Monday and we get the day off. My teacher’s birthday is the same day. Me: Well that’s pretty cool. But what did he do that you guys get the day off on his birthday? Helena: Well, he brought peace to all the black...

Jan 16th

Helena on Martin Luther King

I know how Martin Luther King died. He was standing outside of his motel room, and there was a guy sitting nearby who had a rifle. And Martin didn’t know he was there because the guy was sitting in the bushes. So then the guy SHOT Martin with the rifle, and an hour later, Martin was dead.

Jan 15th

“It is a good thing we don’t live in the Atlantic Ocean. I have snow boots...”

Jan 8th

Jan 7th

“You know, Stephanie, I just wanted to tell you that you would probably get a lot...”

– regarding the number of packages delivered to me by UPS

Jan 6th

Jan 5th

“Nico’s friend Gabriel says that if Nico says that he likes me then his...”

Jan 4th

Jan 3rd

2 notes

Helena on the Games Boys Play

Janet: How are things are with Nico? (They had been on uneven footing for awhile.) Helena: (smiling) Nico LOVES me! Janet: Wow! How do you know that? Did he tell you? Helena: No. STEPHANIE did. She says that when a boy is mean to you it means he secretly loves you!

Jan 2nd

Helena on Friendship

Helena gives her father a mug for Christmas that says “You’re My Best Friend!” Cut to the following morning: Dad: Am I still your best friend? (Helena looks puzzled) You know, the mug. Helena: *sigh* Dad, VIVIAN is my best friend. I only got you that mug because I knew it would make you happy!

Jan 1st

“I mean, I’ve been believing in this my ENTIRE LIFE, and it’s all...”

– After being told the truth about Santa Claus

Dec 24th

Helena on Public Displays of Affection

Dad: Helena, before you get on the school bus this morning i’m gonna give you the biggest hug and kiss in the world. Helena: No! You can’t get me if i’m already on the bus. Dad: Then I’ll get on the bus after you. Helena: You can’t. You’re my dad! Besides, the bus driver is Spanish.

Dec 11th

Helena on Cursing

Helena is in the backseat while her father drives her to school. He then informs her that she’s going to be late. Helena: Darn! (pause) Damn-it!! (pause) Fuck!!! (long pause) I’m glad I’m allowed to say what f-u-c-k spells.

Dec 2nd

“I’m so angry right now and there’s only one thing that will make me...”

Nov 22nd

Helena on Jon's Birthday

Me: Did you know that tomorrow is Jon’s birthday? Helena: Am I invited?

Nov 19th

Helena on Scheduling

(Doorbell rings.) Me: Hey Helena - what’s goin’ on? Helena: Can I come in? Me: I’m doing some work right now but you can check back in an hour or so and I’ll probably be done. Helena: Ok. (Heads towards her front door.) Oh, by the way, I’ll come back in an hour and if you’re still doing work I’ll come back in another hour.

Nov 17th

Helena on Age Differences

Me: Jon’s birthday is next week. He’s going to be 30, so maybe he’ll start listening to me more. Helena: Jon’s going to be THIRTY? You mean he’s ONLY 29? Me: Yep. Helena: How old are you? Me: I’m 35. Helena: You’re older than Jon and you’re his WIFE? That’s pretty rare, you know.

Nov 13th

Helena on Giving

(The doorbell rings. It’s Helena.) Me: Hey, Helena, what’s up? Helena: I just wanted to give you this. (Hands me a rose.) Me: Wow! What’s this for? Helena: Well, whenever I get something nice I like to give it to you… Me: Thank you! Helena: … to show you how nice I am.

Nov 11th

Helena on her Elephant's Memory

(Backstory: Last year, Helena had been very disappointed that there were no kids allowed at our wedding. We decided to give her an 800 calorie Wicked Whoopie for a Halloween treat.) Me: Helena, Jon and I wanted to give you a special little something for Halloween this year. (Presented her with the whoopie pie.) Helena: (With more sincerity than I have ever seen in a 7 year old.) Oh my Gosh!...

Nov 2nd

“Giving things to Stephanie and Jon is a dream come true. They welcome it so much...”

– to her dad after bringing us one of her school photos

Oct 24th

Helena on Generosity

Location: Front Door Helena: I brought you guys one of my school pictures. Jon: Oh wow! This is a great picture! Thanks! Helena: And don’t worry. We have plenty more.

Oct 22nd